Ask Zerum

I let my mind wander and I imagined something that may be amusing in the sense that it’s ridiculous, or may be meaningful.

A man wraps himself in a shell, making a new man. But the shell is strong and feels safe, so the man believes it to be his true self. He loves being this shell and believes in actuality that with it, he is whole.

But then another man sees him. He grabs hold of him, sliding a knife across his body. Gently, carefully, slowly. Peeling the shell open, reaching deep inside until he grabs hold of the tiny, scared, weak being that’s hiding inside. He pulls him by the hand in to the blinding light of the world, tugging him out of the sludge that he’d been living in, and says “This is who you are and you can’t be whole in a shell that doesn’t suit you.”

The other man then presents pieces that the weak one has never seen before, and he says “This is who you’re meant to be. Put these on and you’ll be happy.”

So the scared man agrees, because he was exposed and didn’t want to feel naked. He put on the pieces, little by little, and it seemed to make things better bit by bit.

But he kept looking back at the broken shell from before, because he remembered feeling safe and happy. Even though that happiness was a lie that he created, he longed for it. But the other held him in his arms, and that safe feeling was also there and each time he was held he was given a new piece.

And while the new pieces hurt and didn’t seem to fit, they were the truth and the truth is what he was meant to be.

He keeps putting on the pieces as they are given to him, because eventually when they are whole, he’ll be truly happy.

Now the old shell is out of sight. Almost out of memory.

But the new one is a shell too.

Or was the weakness a shell?

I imagined him shattering himself. Bit by bit. Each new piece causing cracks, each new piece grinding the old shell to dust. Nothing left but the new shell.

I wonder, was the old shell just skin?

By now it must have rotted away.

There’s nothing to fit any more.

-Zerum

Personal Note:

I think back then, deep down inside, there was a part of me that hated me more than anything for locking it up. That part of me that talked to me in the middle of the night, that part that made me cry alone without knowing why, and the part that almost lead me to considering suicide at one point.

So much pain and anger, so much desire to be free, but the locks were so strong I didn’t know what it was for a very long time.

It’s just sheer panic

feeling like a disappointment, feeling like a screw up

It’s not his fault, it’s mine, it’s my fault, if I wasn’t so weak I wouldn’t keep screwing up

I didn’t mean to make him look bad, I don’t mean to be afraid of him, I didn’t mean it, I swear I didn’t mean it and I didn’t mean to break the rules and I didn’t mean to keep secrets

I’m so sorry I have to hide, I should be honest, that’s what you should do when you love someone, be honest, right?

And yet I’m too scared to tell the truth and it’s my own fault because I’m stupid for being afraid of him when I really shouldn’t be

Why am I so weak?

[[Personal Note:

The things that used to go through my mind nearly every day. Nearly every time I woke up late, or was out longer than I promised, or the many times I lied and said I was going to bed when really I just wanted to get away and have time to myself. I used to feel so guilty over every moment I wasn’t with him because he made me feel that way, like people who loved each other had to be in contact all the time, always do everything together, always know where the other person was all the time, and I always thought it was my fault back then.

But it wasn’t. I was afraid for a reason, and he was that reason.]]

I messed up… I messed up… I messed up….

I messed up… I messed up… I messed up….

[[Okay seriously now, here’s the actual post.

First part of it was drawn by Deyogee.]]

Personal Note:

One of the most confusing thing to people is why someone being abused doesn’t ask for help. Or worse, flat out rejects it.

There are a lot of reasons. And I’m sure everyone is different on their reason why.

Some people feel they can’t be helped.

Others feel that they don’t need it, being unaware of how much a situation could be unhealthy for them.

And other times, people fear they would be using the other person and they don’t want to feel like that person is wasting their efforts on a lost cause.

Just… Be patient with us.

Be understanding and be gentle. Don’t scold us or throw our problems in to our faces, don’t push. It’s horrifying and it’s likely that you will make someone retreat further away in doing that.

The best thing to do is to just show us there is something better. Show what a true friend is, show that life isn’t always the way we think and maybe over time we’ll begin to realize that.

And eventually, maybe even believe that a better life is achievable after all.

From now on Zerum updates will be presented with plushies.

ZERUM PSA regarding a recent tumblr user’s commentary

jitterbugjive:

source

Secondly, if you do not know why Jitters is not a very nice person, there are quite a few reasons below.

You don’t know me, first of all. Of course you’re going to think I am not very nice when all you look for are flaws while ignoring anything remotely good.

 many survivors have been upset and triggered by that comic, and Jitters’ response to them has been A) mockery

-No, unless you count the one time I drew Zerum parodying ‘The More You Know’ which became a stream image because people watch me stream him, aka ‘voyeurism’

B) harassment

-I don’t harass people unless they harass me. I have had friends who were victims tell me they can’t follow the blog because it’s too much, and I offer to speak with them and say that it is perfectly alright for it to be too much for them. The only people I have ever gotten in to arguments with are the people who are incredibly rude about it, because I can’t be expected to be polite to people who are trying to spit in my face.

and C) claiming that they are lying about their rape.

-I have never. EVER. Implied such a thing, and unless you have evidence, you better back that up or you are making a VERY heavy accusation based on assumption. I have once tried to clarify if someone was a victim. Now, my motive may not make sense to people, but let me explain why I asked this:

 It’s not like I’m asking to invalidate someone or say “You should know better”.
 It’s so I can say I am deeply sorry and that I understand their fear and frustration and that I feel they need to talk to someone, because as long as they bottle up this fear it’s only going to hurt them more.

These people are not alone, they do not need to isolate themselves, and there are thousands of other survivors who would open their arms to them.

In my opinion: Being a victim of sexual abuse is NOT something to be ashamed of. Yes, it is traumatizing, yes, it is emotionally damaging, but you do not need to fear the fact that it happened to you when so many others out there are willing to understand and guide you through your recovery. 

I see so many people seeking the very thing they fear, speaking against it but never opening up to anyone, never letting themselves trust another human being with whatever may have befallen them. Yes, it is their own business, no, it’s not mine, but the best way these people can recover isn’t by seeking out people to be angry at.

It’s by learning to accept that what happened to them happened, that it is not their faults, that it is not a thing to be ashamed of. They need to realize that they survived, and they can substantially help themselves and other survivors by opening up to them, by showing themselves and others ‘You are not alone.’

This is not the kind of person who is trying to “help survivors,” this is the kind of person who is making a comic that he thinks is “sexy” and getting upset when people call him out as a liar. 

Isn’t that hypocritical to call me a liar when you just accused me of calling other people liars?

To say that a blog I made as a therapy blog to myself, based on my own experiences, and then saying it’s a lie and that I’m just trying to make rape sexy is exactly the problem you’re complaining about. You’re discrediting me as a victim because I do something you don’t agree with.

That is not okay.

That is never okay.

If you actually knew anything about the blog rather than a quick glance, you would have found two very large journal posts explaining the very real psychology behind a sexual abuse victim becoming more sexual and interested in sex and the concept of a controlled situation (Rape in roleplay or porn, where they feel they have the choice to say no)

Like it or not, MANY survivors DO have this, and many more feel incredibly ashamed and lost because of it. They feel that their fascination with sex and the subject of sexual abuse implies that they liked what happened to him, and it is in fact the direct opposite. It’s a coping mechanism that is used to re-establish their warped concept of sex, to mend what was broken and to find ways to make it less impacting.

I feel that people need to understand this and not be ashamed of it if it is something they go through, as not many people are there for them and they get ostracized by people like you who seem to think all survivors need to be scared of the very mention of the word ‘rape’. 

Some people can be like that, and my heart goes out to them, but not every person is the same. People cope in different ways, and you need to accept that it happens and that it is very real and nothing to shame them over.

I am trying to bring an awareness to all sides of coping, mainly the sides people may not realize are completely normal and have explanations for so they don’t have to feel guilty or ashamed of themselves.

This is a snippet from an article:

If sexuality has been devalued in the eyes of the survivor, or if the survivor tried to say “no” verbally or otherwise, and it did not matter, they may have learned not to say “no” in future sexual situations, and therefore, he/she may have an increased number of sexual partners in the period of time following the assault. In addition, the survivor may use future sexual experiences to regain a sense of control in his/her sex life.

I wrote more about this here.

 If you think that someone having a rape fetish and drawing a comic centered around graphic rape is a coincidence, well. 

So once again are you trying to discredit me?

If you knew anything about the blog, there is a SFW mode, as most of the pages are in fact NOT depicting rape. In fact, it’s been a VERY long time since anything graphic has occurred, as I am more focused on the recovery and story side of the story right now.

But of course you wouldn’t know that, because you only see what you want to see.

Now, here’s the thing you seem to be purposefully avoiding: Zerum is not an actual person. Every “heartbreaking” scene is written that way, on purpose, because some people get off on sadistic imagery. 

Zerum is a real person.

Zerum is me.

Every scene was written that way because it represents the things that happened to me.

My identity was stolen from me, and even now I still can’t face all the things that were done to me.

I’ve been LIGHT on what has happened to me, as I was being forced to do horrible bathroom related things on webcam, I was forced to drink someone’s piss, I was once gagged to a point of throwing up. That doesn’t even begin to cover the trauma I went through.

 then Zerum would continue to be abused, and cry out that their suggestions came ‘too late’ for him.

I know my own story.

No, he has never cried out that people were too late. He has a lot of self doubt, guilt, fear, and is suffering stockholm syndrome. He tries to justify what is happening to him, but the more people talk to him, the more he begins to listen and consider his own value.

. If the author truly wanted to show Zerum being ‘helped’ by his fans, this would not happen, because the fans would have ‘saved’ him with their suggestions. 

Is this what you think saving a victim is all about?

Making suggestions to them and then them INSTANTLY being okay?

No, sometimes it takes years to even remotely reach a victim. I had friends trying to help me and reach out to me for years of my life.

Do you honestly expect random strangers telling you the person you think you love is abusive when you think that they are exaggerating and you NEED that person?

How could you even begin to imply that? Would you just give up on a victim if they don’t take your suggestions and offers for help right away?

These people are SCARED. They have lost their trust. These these take time.

This is proof of the author’s desire to gain sexual pleasure from the sadistic torture of a fictional character. 

Let me take a snippet from the blog here, because again, this character isn’t just a character. This character is ME.’

"Many of the thoughts here are things I worried about at that time. Being poor, not having a proper home, not being able to provide, my whole life possibly being ruined and in turn ruining the life of something that didn’t deserve to have a bad life in the first place. I knew I’d have little to no support, but still clung to the fact that maybe if I was pregnant the one person I thought loved me would stand by me and take the burden as well.

I was raised thinking that everything has a chance to live and I’m a person who’s heavily against abortion. I mean, I don’t mind if others do it, but I absolutely could not stand the thought of being responsible of denying something a life it could have had when it didn’t do anything wrong in the first place other than exist. It was the mistake of the parents, not the baby, and because of that the very idea of abortion was out of the question.

But… Sometimes outside influences can change what a person may consider doing.”

If you think this is just me trying to excuse a fetish… Shame on you.

I have an entire section of personal notes explaining the emotional details of the posts I make, I put notes in the posts and add them to the notes page to go over it for my own recovery and coping and perhaps to find others who can connect to me.

http://ask-zerumwhooves.tumblr.com/personal

If this was actually about helping other survivors, Jitters wouldn’t publish hundreds of pages of graphic rape scenes.”

Where are these hundreds of pages you speak of? Tell me, where? Because I don’t see them anywhere.

Zerum has 4 pages. FOUR. With the NSFW tag. 

He has 24 SFW pages.

Next time, do some research before you pull BS out of you ass.

Do you know what would actually help survivors? A story that shows a rape victim as a survivor, as a strong and triumphant figure; not a victim, over and over again.

So it’s not okay to explain to other survivors OR possible current victims of a abuse “I went through this. This is what I felt at that time. If you felt this way, please, reach out to someone, talk to them you are not alone and I know how you feel. I was there where you are now.”

Some victims see survivors as impossibilities. Hell, some don’t even realize they ARE victims because many people do not understand the symptoms of stockhom syndrome, or that abuse can be mental and not just psychical or sexual.

Many people read the notes and realize “My god, this is exactly what is happening to me, why didn’t I see it sooner?!” and they ask someone for help. Usually, they ask me, and I speak with them in private unless they want public help. And no, I will not give you names or a count because that is their own business and their own right to talk about it publicly if they want to.

A forum for support, or a triumphant story about how a survivor copes after an attack and takes control of their life again. 

I have links to survivor forums available in the help section, which I update many times.

Lastly, for someone insisting that he’s constantly victimized and not being helped, this is coming from someone who knows nothing about the blog. You have no right to speak on what you don’t know.

Even now, he is beginning to go through some coping and recovery stages.

He’s beginning to trust another person, he’s starting to doubt his situation.

Again, this sort of thing takes time, and I have promised time and time again he will get a happy ending as a survivor and I will give him recovery process and coping and growth in to a strong person

Just like me

Because he is me.