Ask Zerum

It’s been a while, so I’m making a little post here to say I’ll be back in August and thank you for all sticking around

It’s been a while, so I’m making a little post here to say I’ll be back in August and thank you for all sticking around

I let my mind wander and I imagined something that may be amusing in the sense that it’s ridiculous, or may be meaningful.

A man wraps himself in a shell, making a new man. But the shell is strong and feels safe, so the man believes it to be his true self. He loves being this shell and believes in actuality that with it, he is whole.

But then another man sees him. He grabs hold of him, sliding a knife across his body. Gently, carefully, slowly. Peeling the shell open, reaching deep inside until he grabs hold of the tiny, scared, weak being that’s hiding inside. He pulls him by the hand in to the blinding light of the world, tugging him out of the sludge that he’d been living in, and says “This is who you are and you can’t be whole in a shell that doesn’t suit you.”

The other man then presents pieces that the weak one has never seen before, and he says “This is who you’re meant to be. Put these on and you’ll be happy.”

So the scared man agrees, because he was exposed and didn’t want to feel naked. He put on the pieces, little by little, and it seemed to make things better bit by bit.

But he kept looking back at the broken shell from before, because he remembered feeling safe and happy. Even though that happiness was a lie that he created, he longed for it. But the other held him in his arms, and that safe feeling was also there and each time he was held he was given a new piece.

And while the new pieces hurt and didn’t seem to fit, they were the truth and the truth is what he was meant to be.

He keeps putting on the pieces as they are given to him, because eventually when they are whole, he’ll be truly happy.

Now the old shell is out of sight. Almost out of memory.

But the new one is a shell too.

Or was the weakness a shell?

I imagined him shattering himself. Bit by bit. Each new piece causing cracks, each new piece grinding the old shell to dust. Nothing left but the new shell.

I wonder, was the old shell just skin?

By now it must have rotted away.

There’s nothing to fit any more.


Personal Note:

I think back then, deep down inside, there was a part of me that hated me more than anything for locking it up. That part of me that talked to me in the middle of the night, that part that made me cry alone without knowing why, and the part that almost lead me to considering suicide at one point.

So much pain and anger, so much desire to be free, but the locks were so strong I didn’t know what it was for a very long time.

It’s just sheer panic

feeling like a disappointment, feeling like a screw up

It’s not his fault, it’s mine, it’s my fault, if I wasn’t so weak I wouldn’t keep screwing up

I didn’t mean to make him look bad, I don’t mean to be afraid of him, I didn’t mean it, I swear I didn’t mean it and I didn’t mean to break the rules and I didn’t mean to keep secrets

I’m so sorry I have to hide, I should be honest, that’s what you should do when you love someone, be honest, right?

And yet I’m too scared to tell the truth and it’s my own fault because I’m stupid for being afraid of him when I really shouldn’t be

Why am I so weak?

[[Personal Note:

The things that used to go through my mind nearly every day. Nearly every time I woke up late, or was out longer than I promised, or the many times I lied and said I was going to bed when really I just wanted to get away and have time to myself. I used to feel so guilty over every moment I wasn’t with him because he made me feel that way, like people who loved each other had to be in contact all the time, always do everything together, always know where the other person was all the time, and I always thought it was my fault back then.

But it wasn’t. I was afraid for a reason, and he was that reason.]]

I messed up… I messed up… I messed up….

I messed up… I messed up… I messed up….

[[Okay seriously now, here’s the actual post.

First part of it was drawn by Deyogee.]]

Personal Note:

One of the most confusing thing to people is why someone being abused doesn’t ask for help. Or worse, flat out rejects it.

There are a lot of reasons. And I’m sure everyone is different on their reason why.

Some people feel they can’t be helped.

Others feel that they don’t need it, being unaware of how much a situation could be unhealthy for them.

And other times, people fear they would be using the other person and they don’t want to feel like that person is wasting their efforts on a lost cause.

Just… Be patient with us.

Be understanding and be gentle. Don’t scold us or throw our problems in to our faces, don’t push. It’s horrifying and it’s likely that you will make someone retreat further away in doing that.

The best thing to do is to just show us there is something better. Show what a true friend is, show that life isn’t always the way we think and maybe over time we’ll begin to realize that.

And eventually, maybe even believe that a better life is achievable after all.

From now on Zerum updates will be presented with plushies.